lördag 24 maj 2014

Hometown glory

I haven't lived with my mom and sister for more than 2 years now and can't quite imagine living with them again. It's not because I don't love them or miss them every day I'm away from them but.. I don't know if it's a part of growing up and being an adult that happens or if it's just something wrong with me but I just can't go back.
I've had so many bad memories from my hometown. So few really good memories stayed with me when I finally left, but once in awhile I do come back to see my family and today when I went shopping and on my way back I could feel the fresh air of summer breeze coming towards me and I just don't feel that amazing feeling of freedom anywhere ells but home. No matter how far away I run to I will always call my hometown my 'home'.
My mother is leaving for Afghanistan soon and I'm really worried, naturally. I truly hope she'll be fine. So many people say they love their parents. Of course you love you're parents, but I can feel that my love for my mother is quite a different kind of love, the deeper kinda love. She has gone through literally hell for me and my siblings. So much beating, so much harassment and pain, not to mention suffering she's been going through. I could never, ever repay that dept.
I see so many kids growing up in a good home, with a healthy, still environment. With so little complainment, so little issues. Not knowing how much a person on the other side of the city, country, world is suffering, with actual, real problems. So many people don't want to see because they can't imagine that sort of pain or suffering. They don't know anything ells, but what they have or feel in their life.
One day I might come back to my hometown and live here with my family, but for now I'm just not ready. I haven't overcome my fear of the past. That fear of my past keeps haunting me, on my daily routines and dreams. Making me have anxiety beyond reconing. One day I'll overcome my fears and come back to my hometown glory.

torsdag 15 maj 2014

I loved her not for the way she danced with my angels, but for the way the sound of her name could silence my demons.

A messy kind of love

It's weird how you don't plan and plan things and they still end up surprising you. My specific plan was not, and I mean NOT to fall in love.. and I'm still battling with that. But unfortunately my plan got quiet ruined by the fact that he's become so much sweeter, he's started to treat me the right way. Well in my opinion, the way I want to be treated by a guy. I didn't know someone could change so drastically but apparently it's quiet possible.
At the beginning I saw him as a arrogant piece of shit, that didn't know how to behave and to treat woman. An ass!! But in the back of my mind I kept thinking "this can't be him" so I decided to get to know him anyway and get myself under that hard layer of skin. And I must've done something right for him to change. But as sweet as this is, I know in my heart it won't last.. I'm leaving for home next year, and the longer we'll stay together, the more it's going to hurt in the end. Last night, I thought I heard him saying the three magical words, and directly after that he said, I love you're eyes! And I was like, "wait, what?" Can't be sure of course so I decided to just let it be. I must confess, I have been very close saying I love him as well, many times. Not sure what I mean or feel towards saying that. Do I really love him though? Would I regret it, if I said it? I feel like I'm straying him along my own emotions. Like I only want him there because I feel lonely. And that makes me feel so extremely guilty. But at the same time, I care for him like I think nobody has. Would it be ok to have him by my side, knowing he knows that I'm only having him there of selfish needs? Would it be more ok?
I feel so terribly confused. It truly is what they call a messy kind of love..